NOTE: bla bla bla. It's just one of my useless rants. You're free to leave or read. Whatever. Just to warn you, this post is pointless and really boring. if you're here to waste time, to waste your life or to... just be nosy...well, knock yourself out.here it goes!

Back when i was in high school, I always had this thin, plain figure.

around 4th year, I had medications for my allergies which I believed to have greatly contributed to my increasing weight. But still, it was a considerable petite figure.

Then, college came. I. GAINED. WEIGHT. and I mean, ALOOOOOT OF WEIGHT.

And NOW, I'm having guilty feelings why I never cared for my figure.

I mean, I think every girl should take care of their looks; I should have taken care of my looks.
But what did I do? I don't know. I don't know where I went wrong.
I could blame it to my school for giving me a lot of stresses. Yes! It could have been the stress! The lack of time for exercise, the friends who always ask me out, yadda yadda yadda. I could blame it to a lot of factors. Hell, who knows? I might even blame the government for my weight-gain. Duh?!

I don't remember how it happened. But yes, I gained weight.

(segue) I don't understand how I feel right now. THIS GUILT. uhmmmmm, why am I even writing this post? urgggggh..

Anyways, I was looking at my ugly fat photos on my album on Facebook. Then I came across these photos:

mejo malaman, pero sexy. nye. :P

gaaaahd, I want those arms back. xD

look at those thighs. ;(

layers but still, I look flattering in this slimmer look. I mean, ang bukton oh?

the legs, the arms and the face.... gahwd, I miss this look. :((

 THESE PHOTOS WERE TAKEN LAST YEAR. I was on my third year in college when these photos were taken.

YES! I know. I'm even puzzled. Why am I not fat in these photos?
I looked for more photos around the time that these photos were taken. But, I still looked thin. Aba, paano ako pumayat? WHAT SORCERY IS THIS? o_O

Tapos ngayon? HA! NEVERMIND.
I don't look exactly as thin as I was in high school in these photos, but I think I'm halfway getting back to my younger body if I just kept track. Gaaaaad! pwede makonsensya? An'yare?

I remember having the best year (yet) in my college life last year because of my attitude; because of MY CONFIDENCE.
That's it! I had more confidence last year because I was thinner and lighter. I smiled a lot and I found rummaging thru my wardrobe no longer that hard since I get to wear with confidence everything in my closet because everything fit me well. Unlike today, ilang beses ako kung makapagbihis bago umalis ng bahay dahil di na kasya, obvious ang love handles, nakakataba ang damit, etc... Dati, I could get to wear whatever I could think of.

Gosh, I wish I'd get back to that slimmer and thinner look. Kahit di na katulad nung high school look, kahit yung last year lang na look. pwede na! Para I don't feel as bad as I do right now. I wish to remove this guilt, this insecurity.

I want to have smaller waist, thinner limbs, spaces between my legs, really obvious collar bones, etc. Pero, PAANO?

How to be fit? to lose weight? to be sexy? hahaha. I'm so pathetic. But really, I think I need a lifestyle and diet check. any tips? ideas? Pls let me know. Please be kind enough to help me with this dilemma. :)
I just need a boost and helping ideas.

I plan to start my diet asap. Since gabing gabi na, I think I'd start my diet tomorrow. NO JUNKS. NO COLORED DRINKS. AND, 30mins working out on our ELLIPTICAL TRAINERS. This should work. I mean, I'll make it work. I'll be disciplined enough to make this an everyday routine. This will last long and hindi lang to hanggang bukas, right? (I'm really pathetic. I'm convincing myself. I sound so stupid. gaaaaahd! )

Plus, I PLAN TO SLEEP EARLY starting tonight.

So, I guess this ends my pointless rant tonight. I hope I can keep this in mind. Fingers-crossed.
DIET. EXERCISE. SLEEP.
 
Good night!

xoxo,

ANGEL   ♥

where are those REAL MEN who find

love letters, chocolates, flowers, balloons,

stargazing and late night walks

ROMANTIC? :'(

ACCOUNTANCY. it's not a GTG. it's a BRB. :)

my heart is beating faster and faster...
it's like im breaking down.
like any moment now, my heart's gonna crack.

then, a tear ran down my cheeks, and i know that's about everything i could give.
it's the last tear i have.
i've cried out the rest LONG ago.
this is all, this is what's left of me.

and now, that history repeats itself.
it's time i bear silence.
i won't resort to crying and weeping.
it's time i hold on to that little faith i have left,----- and believe.
BELIEVE!
YES, BELIEVE.
'coz in the end, i know, everything will be well.
'coz in the end, i also know, ------everything is according to GOD's HOLY WILL ! :'/
GOODLUCK and GOD BLESS everyone!
-tomorrow's judgment day. T___________T

(posted this on my FB notes last March 23, 2011 while waiting for my mockboard result.)

okay, so im a bit stressed out lately.

uhmmm, something about school, carreer and LOVELIFE (as if nman seryoso ako sa topic na yan). ahaha

anyways, frustration is known to be the feeling you get when you want something but eventually you can not have it. hmmmmpp.

so now, you probably have a clue why im frustrated. and by wanting something, i meant SOMEONE,.

uhhmm, how do i start. ok, well. there's this guy in school that i had a crush with since september (that was after our PE Night 1).. LOL, it all started at PE night 1. He stood out of the crowd, although his height wasn't really that noticeable. (he's a bit short, you know). but he's REALLY cute!

it was a cheerdance competition when they performed and he was placed in the center. darn it, that's were he caught my attention..

when we took off from the school's premises for our sembreak, i barely even remembered him. its just as if, he's just a stranger i met then forgotten. LOL.. 

but as soon as the 2nd semester started, i began seeing him again. AND life is just so playful that we were made to be classmates for one subject---that is, PE 2. wew. so you see, my admiration to him returned. and i can no longer stop thinking about him.

every PE class would seem like a work of art for me, with him in the picture.

he was my inspiration to go to school and to enter the PE class early despite the schedule. (PE class was scheduled at 7:30 am- 9:30am every Tuesday.)

as the days, weeks and months moved on, i became so fond of him, especially the hobby of glancing (or should we say, staring) at him every now and then (especially when he's not looking). blah, i cant stop myself from doing it! bleh!

even though we're class mates already, we never really got the chance to befriend each other. not until PE night 2 was approaching. we were to present a social dance presentation together, as a class. i was tasked to be the leader of our class. in this social dance, i had another partner, so does he. so we never got the chance to have get-to-know-each-other conversations.

practices were tiring but the exhaustion in my face would just disappear as the thought of seeing him at practices enters my mind. weeee. so you see, i became so attracted to him. the practices also gives me the satisfaction of talking to him even though it just meant business (or, conversations regarding the practice). and time came, i have to get his number for me to contact them during practices. at first, i hesitated to contact him. i was shy, you know. but somehow, i managed to move my little fingers around the keypad of my celphone and wrote a group text. i also managed to send it to the group including him.

i did not expect he would reply, though. but he did. and his reply wasn't about the "business" at all. it was something personal ( ok, not too personal but still its personal). he said, "sorry ante kay badlungon ko". he even managed to joke about calling me "auntie". waaaa. i immediately replied and told him it was ok, but i also managed to joke by calling him "uncle",. eversince that night, we would call each other auntie and uncle. he would sent me messages asking me about our nstp classes or practices, or he even starts simple text conversations as if he wants me to socialize with him, too. (as i interpreted) i just socialize with his classmates kasi. im shy kasi sa kanya...

days of practices went on, until the PE NIGHT 2 arrived.

it was just this March 5, 2010 when we had our PE night celebration at UIC-Annex Gymnasium. it was so fun and worth remembering. not just because we became the 4th placer out of the 16 presentors. (watcha think about that, eh?). aahahah. but also, it was our first time that someone took a picture of us TOGETHER. and what made that picture special was that he put his arm on my shoulders. waaaa. uber kilig! HAPPINESS! but what i did not know was it was only an ARTIFICIAL HAPPINESS. everything would just end as soon as the night was over. i never knew this would be our LAST!

the happiness i felt was somehow thwarted when i saw their (he and her gf --- he has a girlfriend) picture together at mcdo (i saw this picture the next next morning.) woah! well, i tagged him at our photos at facebook, though. but i never really wanted to start a fight with his clingy girlfriend. but his gf, over reacted and started putting status in FB that points out to someone (ME)!!!! waaah, but i wasnt guilty though, i did not flirt, just befriended. i knew my limitations. anyways, knowing how girls feel, i symphatized with his gf, and just accepted the fact that we were just impossible to be together. and my friends told me, he was not worth it for me, too. 

well, everything has to end, you know., including us, and the happiness he inflicted upon me within those times that we spent together. haisxz.. i just hope someday, i would find that real happiness in someone. a happiness that would not just end in a glimpse.

and i guess that's it, evrything started at PE Night 1 and ended at PE Night 2. i guess that's just the whole span of our chapter together in my life. wew. short though, but worthwhile. i never regretted even the frustration of  losing him,. 

maybe, he wasn't just what GOD has planned out for me. even if i thought we started something.. waaaa.

hahah.. dream on. i'll meet MY  guy someday. GOD has plans. :))

feet swelling, heart beating faster and then slows down and then fast again... butterflies filling up my stomach! and my HEART, breaking.. sooo DEVASTATED!

YEA, nobody would really understand how i feel right now.

you know the feeling like you think nobody cares about how you feel. nobody would care to know the reason why you feel that way. no body would care to fix what has been broken. nobody would try to help you out, nobody notices everything you've been doing. and nobody would try to make an effort to understand you. not even your OWN family,.

---ok, i maybe exaggerating stuff a bit, but why do i feel so abandoned? is it because i appear too strong that nobody would care to ask if im ok? why cant i feel i have any worth??

i really feel as BAD as HELL right now.

i got into an arguement with my parents and including my younger sister.

i admit, i made some mistakes. but hey, im not perfect; nobody is.

but what troubles me is that they cant seem to understand how i feel,. im always not good enough for them.

an example is my effort in excelling at school.

i have been one of the smartest students at the university.

does my parents even notice that?

well i guess not. i showed them my grades and hell yea, i was proud!

but when my mom saw it, i felt like im the dumbest student that have ever lived!

she just said, "your scholarship's gonna be gone with that grade your having. keep it up so that you'll lose it all."

OUCH! dont they know how hard was it to earn that grade. dont they know that i always slept late just to have that grades. instead of encouraging me, they're making me feel bad.

huixz.. i could never make them feel satisfied of what i am today. they always know who to blame: friends, activities, ME! gaaaaahh, im so tired of this nonesense.

would somebody help me. im  gonna burst in tears already.

anyways, i went to the beach with 2 of my friends hoping i'd feel better.

yea, i sort of forgot the problem im having at home. but when i was heading home, i again felt the pain.

i usually stroll around when i feel bad to ease the pain. but since im at home, there's no need for distance to walk to. so i found a good book to read. well, it kind of help. but still, its temporary cure. a remedy not worth the time.

whew. i wish i had a HANDY CONFIDANT always with me. waaa.. i cant even tell my bestfriend how i feel because of the distance! gaaaah!

i guess i'll be facing this dilemma alone after all.

well, at least i get to try being bombarded with a lotof things for a while. haisz..

i pray that GOD would give me wisdom, understanding, and humility.

i also pray that HE grants my parents the gift of understanding and FORGIVENESS (i think they dont have any plans of accepting my apology.)

come what may. i know i'll be ok. sooner or later, i'll be fine. i just dont know when. but yea, i'll be at my best mood someday! T_T

What a tiring day.. T_T

so, vanessa's debut was celebrated with us (SP family) today, October 25, 09.

we had the celebration at Mergrande Ocean Beach Resort @ CABIN 661.

whew.. the sun was hot and the SPs were getting hotter! waaaaaaa.


yea, 'twas funny though. we barely remembered that some of us were conservative.
oh yea, and the conservatives weren't really innocent, you know. haha
they became a bit audacious.


waaa.. and i forgot to mention, i WAS one of the few too conservatives before. i still am, but now i have adjusted to cliché and stuff.


haha. i wore a bit daring beach wear.waaa..

this is a long halter top matched with a short shorts.waaa..  yea twas short. naks. haha..

it was not just me who wore such a wardrobe, but so as my SP family. we nearly weren't putting boundaries between boys and girls. its almost like we didn't care if they were staring at us. hhaha.. yung iba nga, kitang kita na ang bra. haha. what do you expect, were in a beach! haha.. drabeeh.
and we, SP, consider ourselves a FAMILY. no malice! waaaa..


so, we were like the sexy hot beach fashionistas! hahaha..
that's SP! haha..


anyway, it took a long time before they finished cooking lunch. the boys did the cooking. waaaa..
after lunch, we strolled around and let our vanity rule! waaa..


we took pictures. and i did not just mean pictures, but PICTURESssssss..haha..
yea, many. pluralize the plural. waaaa..

after vanity, we went back to the cabin.



alcoholic drinks are always in the picture of every get-together. and this get-together is no exemption. waaaa..


two of my friends bought a bottle of tequilla (of course, they brought salt and lemon).. imagine mo kaya kung walang salt and lemon ang tequilla. haha..
anyway, that's when things got a bit bad. haha..

my bestfriend and i took only two shots, just to show respect and then we left to go swimming and ,of course, to avoid the temptation of drinking.


we took some time at the beach and then the others accompanied us.

when we got back to CABIN 661, i was surprised to see drunken people.
our cabin is now kind of an uncomfortable place to be at.
some are already sleeping in the bed, some already cried (they are getting too emotional because of the effects of alcohol), some were becoming noisy saying nonsense stuffs, and one getting a major heartache seeing her ex-girlfriend being drunken and all that.

i approached him and talked to him, trying to make him feel better and maybe easing the pain. but as i did, i only felt his pain. awwww.. poor baby. i wish i could do something. but i thought the best thing i could do was listen. so i listened and told him words of enlightenment. waaaa..

ooh, so we decided to go home ahead of the others.
but we left with no  furies and the like.

i dont know if it was a bad day or a great day, though.
but i think partly i enjoyed it, partly i did not.

anyway, it wouldn't matter so much about what i think.it wasn't my celebration after all.  but still, i think what i think sinks in somewhere in my thoughts and matters a lot (especially the heartache part.LOL).

mommie van, i still wish you a happy 18th birthday. i love you.! =]