abandoned

feet swelling, heart beating faster and then slows down and then fast again... butterflies filling up my stomach! and my HEART, breaking.. sooo DEVASTATED!

YEA, nobody would really understand how i feel right now.

you know the feeling like you think nobody cares about how you feel. nobody would care to know the reason why you feel that way. no body would care to fix what has been broken. nobody would try to help you out, nobody notices everything you've been doing. and nobody would try to make an effort to understand you. not even your OWN family,.
---ok, i maybe exaggerating stuff a bit, but why do i feel so abandoned? is it because i appear too strong that nobody would care to ask if im ok? why cant i feel i have any worth??

i really feel as BAD as HELL right now.

i got into an arguement with my parents and including my younger sister.
i admit, i made some mistakes. but hey, im not perfect; nobody is.

but what troubles me is that they cant seem to understand how i feel,. im always not good enough for them.
an example is my effort in excelling at school.
i have been one of the smartest students at the university.
does my parents even notice that?
well i guess not. i showed them my grades and hell yea, i was proud!
but when my mom saw it, i felt like im the dumbest student that have ever lived!
she just said, "your scholarship's gonna be gone with that grade your having. keep it up so that you'll lose it all."
OUCH! dont they know how hard was it to earn that grade. dont they know that i always slept late just to have that grades. instead of encouraging me, they're making me feel bad.

huixz.. i could never make them feel satisfied of what i am today. they always know who to blame: friends, activities, ME! gaaaaahh, im so tired of this nonesense.

would somebody help me. im  gonna burst in tears already.

anyways, i went to the beach with 2 of my friends hoping i'd feel better.
yea, i sort of forgot the problem im having at home. but when i was heading home, i again felt the pain.
i usually stroll around when i feel bad to ease the pain. but since im at home, there's no need for distance to walk to. so i found a good book to read. well, it kind of help. but still, its temporary cure. a remedy not worth the time.

whew. i wish i had a HANDY CONFIDANT always with me. waaa.. i cant even tell my bestfriend how i feel because of the distance! gaaaah!

i guess i'll be facing this dilemma alone after all.

well, at least i get to try being bombarded with a lotof things for a while. haisz..
i pray that GOD would give me wisdom, understanding, and humility.
i also pray that HE grants my parents the gift of understanding and FORGIVENESS (i think they dont have any plans of accepting my apology.)

come what may. i know i'll be ok. sooner or later, i'll be fine. i just dont know when. but yea, i'll be at my best mood someday! T_T

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